Down with shoulds!

I want to establish a should liberation army. What made us invent that hopeless word 'should'? Can anyone give me an example of it doing any good?

Language matters, and this seems to me the most useful word to aim to eradicate from my vocabulary. It’s the epitome of “judgeyness”.

• How does it make you feel when you say to yourself: “I should be doing this today”?

• What’s your attitude when you tell someone “You shouldn’t do that.” How is the phrase received?

• How much hopelessness or helplessness does the phrase “This shouldn’t be happening” carry or you ?

That little word ‘should’ calls forth a heavy litany of blame, judgement and doom.

With my coaching clients, there’s always a drop in energy when 'should' turns up. Sometimes, it is used in a cheery way, as a precursor to something having been achieved: “I should really have done X, but I looked after myself and did Y instead”. What happens if you just allow yourself to celebrate instead of inflicting a bit of blame first?

Try these options for size:

• Instead of “I should be doing this” >> “I’m not going to do this today. I want to/choose to do something else”

• Instead of “You shouldn’t do that” >> (with curiosity!): “Help me understand your reason for doing that?”

• Instead of “This shouldn’t be happening” >> “This is happening – how do I best deal with it?”

Or even better: Find your own way of clearly communicating your needs, wants and choices.

Watch out for your 'Shoulds'. If they weigh as heavily on you as on me and many others, free yourself. Grab them by the neck and throw them out the window. Join the best kind of army.

(But of course, if you do think should does good, I’m all ears!)