Kids don't bring happiness - but what about purpose?

As someone who is child-free by choice, I’ve always remembered one fact from Daniel Gilbert’s wonderful book ‘Stumbling on Happiness’: Data shows that having kids doesn’t make you happy. It’s confirmation bias on speed: the main fact I remember from a book I read more than 15 years ago is the one that confirms my way of life! 

I was reminded of this when coming across a promo for Adam Grant interviewing Gilbert on his WorkLife podcast. Apparently you’re happiest ‘when the last child moves out and the dog dies’. (I don’t believe the dog bit for a second!).

However, my younger self also reckoned that children did, for most parents, confer a sort of super-highway to meaning and purpose. Those of us who didn’t have them needed to find purpose somewhere else, and figuring out our direction is not necessarily straightforward. With kids, that’s served on a bit of a plate, I thought. 

But of course it’s not that straightforward. As I got older and a little wiser, I realised that some find meaning in their children and others less so. For some, children become part of the purpose, but not all of it. And either way, children grow up into fully-fledged humans, which can bring its own ambiguous feelings. 

The worst thing we can do is have an expectation of how anyone ‘should’ see their parenthood. Like any ‘should’, it’s the route to unnecessary pressure and risk of getting the idea that what they’re doing or feeling is wrong. Parents, and in particular mums, often carry too many ‘shoulds’ already. We all have our own way of coming to and being with anything in life.

Working with coaching clients who want to rediscover more of themselves as their children are growing up also reminds me of how wonderfully multi-faceted we all are. Needing one thing doesn’t mean you don’t need another. 

And just like we won’t really know what makes us happy until we get there, purpose and meaning is a journey of discovery. Or what do you say, parents? 

Photo by Ben Wicks on Unsplash.